WAR!

I'm at war.

With the scorpions.

Its quite simple. They must die. My wife says so.

See, scorpions bring my wife much distress. Understandably so. The little bastards walk around, tails curled, stinger glistening, pinchers held at the ready. They look fairly bad ass, I must admit.

My approach to defeating them is multifaceted. First, I must purify inside my house. They have likely infested my attic, which I have no access too. So I have to do what I can. That means applying liquid residual poisons followed by powdered residual poisons to all outlets, light fixtures, cracks, windows, and any other spots that might conceal a scorpion. Following that, I will apply vicious wicked poisons of several varieties to the perimeter of the inside of the house, under the sinks, in the bathrooms and all over my bedroom and along my bed. Most importantly, I'll apply generous amounts of poison in my closet. Scorpions like to hide in shoes. Fuckers. I also plan to drop numerous glue traps in the bathroom, my bedroom, and in my closet. Just as an added layer of protection. After that, I'll caulk every thing that I feel needs caulking. To bar their entry into my dwelling.

Following that, I'll begin cleansing the outside of my house. If I started with the outside I might risk driving the little fuckers indoors. My approach to the outdoors involves poison sprayed from the hose, more concentrated poison sprayed around the outside perimeter and on the rock wall around my yard, poison all along the walls of my house and on the flat roof (where I'll also spread the poison granules).

I call that Operation Shock and Awe. Its my air assault.

After that I begin open war. The ground assault. Every night, I'll gear up with a poison cocktail and black light. See, scorpions fluoresce under black light. Makes them easy to spot. The poison is because they give birth to their young live. And then they carry them around on their back. So if I just smashed them I might get stung and I might not kill all the little babies. The poison insures all hostile parties meet their end.

You also might be wondering why I don't just spread my poison and wait for them to die. Well, thats an interesting story. See, poison is notoriously ineffective on scorpions, hence the multi-poison approach. Additionally, scorpions can live 10 fucking years. So if the evil bastards in my attic decide to just chill in my attic, fuck, and never venture into my poison they can continue to spread their young which can then venture into my house, be spotted by my wife, and freak her out.

I do have allies in this battle.

Harley, my cat, is trained in the martial arts. He is particularly skilled in cat-to-scorpion combat. Just the other day, I was laying in the floor and he ran over, jumped me, and kung fu chopped the shit out of this scorpion that was on its way to destroy me. He was rewarded with tuna juice.

The battle ahead is long, but my cause is noble, and therefore I will continue to walk down this war path until the last scorpion falls under my stream of poison.